this is what i do for a living – not for money, but for sanity.
this is what i do for a living – not for money, but for sanity.
I almost feel like I am not supposed to know you. like this isn’t supposed to happen. maybe not now, maybe not ever. it is not that you don’t seem to be the ‘right’ one for me, but am i the right one for anyone? i don’t even know myself. i wake up with the same thoughts i fall asleep with – the same anxieties and concerns. my daily routine consists of oddities that i am not sure you would be suited to be a part of. i have tendencies of being alone, of wanting to be alone. how can i be alone with you? see, i have been asked how I see myself lying in bed – alone or with someone next to me? i swear i do not take up all the space on the mattress but having you next to me would take up all the space in my mind and then i would never be able to fall into slumber. i hate this feeling. there are no butterflies because i am not a child, but i am scared. not quite scared of letting another person into my life because i enjoy trusting people. i am not sure what this fear is. but i do not want any part of it. but i want all parts of it because something feels organic and right and nothing like before or my previous relationships. ha, because there haven’t been any previous relationships. i am a walking example of what solitude is like, and i take pleasure in this fact. when i imagine myself, i am quite unlikeable, but i like my own self – ya know? i am in my skin, my flesh which i enjoy so intimately. i experience my sentiments all alone, they are mine and only mine. I sometimes do not want to share but it seems like you want to know. so what choice do i have really? is love really the greatest thing in this world?
My grandmother passed away quite a while ago when I was about 12 years old. I am now 20. I have spent 8 years without the woman I looked up to most. Tonight, while sitting and reflecting on life with my mother, she told me something about my grandma that I never knew. I found out that she ended her pregnancy following the birth of my mother. My grandfather had passed away, leaving my grandma with several children to look after. She was in Lebanon, where circumstances are not bright. She was poor. What choice did she have? This was probably her train of thought.
I am so incredibly broken. Even sitting here and writing this is killing me. I am trying to write correctly through the tears that are blurring my vision. I just wish that someone could have been there to tell my grandmother, “You are strong. You can have this child. You were meant to have this child.” But, she had no one. The most devout woman I knew aborted her baby. I could not believe my mother when she told me. I sat there with my jaw open and a quizzical look on my face, for perhaps my mother had told me the story incorrectly. Perhaps she meant to say my gma had a miscarriage…or someone irrelevant to our lives had an abortion. But no, my grandfather died, leaving my Jesus loving grandma pregnant and scared for her future. So, out of fear, she had an abortion. She thought she had no choice, when she did. she did. she did. She had a choice. If only someone were there for her…
I struggle now with wondering if I ever really knew my grandmother the way I thought I did. I have never experienced something like this before. I obviously still love my grandma, and I am no where near angry at her. But, I am terribly mournful for her. I am mourning that she thought she had nothing else to do. I am mourning for that baby. I am mourning for my mother.
But I am rejoicing in the truth that her child is in heaven right now. I am rejoicing that my mother and her sibling will be reunited eventually. I am rejoicing that my grandmother and her child have already been reunited for a while now and are looking down at us smiling.
Our faith is a beautiful thing. The belief that there is new life, indeed.
My brother is being released from prison on Wednesday and for the first time in years, I feel like I am moving into a new stage of my life. As if it was all dependent on my brother’s status in life. I guess it has been this way because all my life my brothers have been some type of safety net for me. I hung out with them a lot and know them so personally (duh). I was raised attached to my brothers, my best friends. Different parts of them make up a whole lot of me. I guess I am growing worried for them – for their happiness and health. I am become motherly more and more everyday. I don’t know what it is. I am too family oriented, sometimes. Sometimes, not enough. All I know is whatever our souls are made out of, theirs and mine are the same.
I trust you God
I have been thinking about relationships and the lack of I guess maybe because Valentine’s Day is approaching. Well, I think some people have a stigma associated with relationships because they have either been bitter about past relationships or they have never been in one so they choose, instead, to be bitter and not open minded about meeting someone. I do not fall into either of these categories, fortunately. I have no problem being an individual. My life doesn’t start when I have a boyfriend, and I definitely do not need verification of my being from a guy.
But, I LOVE v-day. Why? simply because although it gives me a reason to binge watch romance movies and indulge in heart shaped candy, I like the feeling of being in a world where love actually does exist in all forms – and we have a day dedicated for that. I guess my tradition is to spend every V-day with my mother. I don’t know when that started, and I don’t know when it will end. But, I love it. I do not actively seek a boyfriend in anticipation of Valentine’s Day. Rather, I admire peoples’ relationships with their significant others from afar and I also spend time with my mom, haha. Because I LOVE her.
But – I will admit. I am quite excited to experience an intimate relationship. Not intimate as in sexual. But, I want to get to know someone. kinda like the way I know my best friend so intimately. I know so much about her. Her deep dark secrets, and obviously, perhaps, there is a lot she probably hasn’t told me – which is okay. additionally, i know her fears and her dreams and her flaws and her talents that trump her flaws. It is safe to say that I had to invest in that relationship with my best friend. When am I going to meet a guy to be able to do that with? There is something about males being of the opposite sex that prevents me from getting to know them like I would try to get to know a girl. Either I have not put myself out there enough or the guy I am meant to know has not crossed my path.
But think about it – investing in someone, caring about them, perhaps loving them? well, put aside love for now. but, the reason i am writing about this is because for someone like me who values her alone time and independence, I really cannot imagine having another person to care for in such an intimate way. To mourn when they are mourning. To rejoice when they are happy. To know everything about them, and still want to pursue him/her. The mere fact that there might be someone out there who wants to deeply get to know someone like me is beyond me. WHere are you!??! i’d like to get to know you too- just to see what type of person I would become when I am with you.
have a happy Valentine’s Day :)
thanks for reading
I am not exactly sure what motivated me to write. It’s been such a long time since I last posted on here. Anyway, it must mean that I am having intense emotions again and I have to somehow let it out. It’s true, I had this urgency to write to all you strangers because out of everyone out there, there must be someone who feels the same way I do.
My uncle had a heart attack this past week, and my brother is still in prison. He is supposed to be released any day now. Either that or deported back to Lebanon. I am not sure if these are the things that bring me down or if I am just bringing myself down. If I wanted to be happy, I would be. I could be. My problem is I keep waiting to arrive to a state of happiness. But, I have it all wrong, and I don’t know why I keep forgetting. Happiness is not a destination, it’s a feeling. You just have to be it. You should be allowed to be happy for absolutely no reason. If you are, then I am jealous ;)
I read this thing on pinterest a while ago about how we always wait for something to happen whether it is for summer to arrive, for Friday night’s plans, to graduate and leave school, or even to get married. Why can we not just live in this moment and embrace everything. Embrace what we have been blessed with. Why can’t we live in the present moment and start being happy now? We can’t do this because the devil is out to get us. I was trying to keep this secular, but honestly it is in my will to mention our Lord in every post. We dwell on our feelings of sadness and anger because the devil is out to get us. He makes us depressed for no reason when we are supposed to be happy for no reason. The devil brainwashes us into thinking that we have nothing and no one to love us.
But, recall every superhero movie you have ever seen – the good guy always wins :)
If you are sitting in your room in your apartment in a college town feeling all sad and depressed like me, then you are not alone. And remember that while in the end everything actually will be okay, it’s okay to start being happy right now. Don’t wait for God to give you eternal life; he has given you a little bit of heaven on this earth. So Thank Him.
Thanks for reading,
1. read Harry Potter series and watch all movies
2. Go on the Philadelphia mission trip
3. make As in all my classes
4. Turn 21 in July
5. Get a job in Athens
6. Apply to Terry College in the fall
7. Get accepted
8. Be happy and praise the Lord
life doesn’t get easier from here on out. the decisions we have to make get tougher. we have to let people go. people let go of us. we suffer. we struggle. that is when our faith comes into play. that’s what faith is. believing even when it seems impossible to believe. believing when we are always doubting.
i know it’s hard to accept this, but Padre Pio once said, “I know that your spirit is always wrapped in the darkness of trials, but it is enough for you to know that Jesus is with you and in you.”
Now, doesn’t that make you feel better immediately?^
He is with us, and He is in us.
happy season of advent :)
– a frenzied soul
First, let me be honest. I have never been in a relationship. I’ve almost been in one, but it wasn’t quite there. So, hopefully you can continue reading this or if you do not think I am qualified to write about it then you can discontinue reading this. Either way, you won’t go wrong.
In the midst of budding relationships, I keep acknowledging my alone-ness, or independence, however you want to put it. But keep in mind that I do not use this negatively. I have never had a complaint about being on my own all the time for so long. I WILL admit that I have had thoughts of wanting a boyfriend, duh, of course. Which girl has not had these thoughts? you can not try to tell me that you’re a girl who has never wanted a companion or felt the need for one. (although I do believe we do not ever NEED someone like that). Anyway, so you get it. I have had all the same feelings that you’ve ever had.
Then, I come to terms with the fact. My creator and controller of my life has not yet introduced me to my potential significant other for the most obvious reason – I am simply not ready. And when I tell myself that or ask myself if I were given the opportunity to be in a serious relationship RIGHT NOW, “would I be ready for it?” the answer is no. There is no way in hell I am ready for that type of commitment right now! No, I am not ‘scared’ of commitments. People who are scared need to grow up, just by the way. The fact of the matter is that a serious relationship, in my opinion, at least, is something where a person loves another with all their being, even when it is not easy to love that person sometimes. Despite their flaws and deficiencies in areas, I want to be able love someone so truly and deeply. I am certainly not ready to do that.
When I say I am not ready, it means I have not matured to really learn how to love someone like that. I at least know that is what real love is for me, but there is no way I am ready to pursue it. Here is why – my life is a daily practice of learning to love myself. One day I might look in the mirror and like who I am and another day I will be horrified. The fact of the matter might be that maybe I’d be better at loving others than myself, but that just does not make any sense. Loving yourself consists of making yourself the best you can be for whoever you might end up with romantically later on. It means accepting your flaws and your deficiencies and working to make them right. It means that this search so many of us go on to find “the one” should end now because rather you should be working on your soul. It means that this idea of ‘I found my other half’ is nonexistent, because you should have been complete without having to meet another person to “complete you.” Work to complete yourself. This means that life is a journey where we should be in the middle of pursuing a relationship with our creator (that would be the Good Lord Jesus, for me) and on the way, praying for the salvation of our future spouses, as well!
So take a deep breathe and embrace that independence of yours because God has blessed you with all this time on your own to find Him and love Him and through Him, you will get to know and love yourself.
Thanks for reading!
a frenzied soul