the fear of the “post-honeymoon stage”

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I have never been in a substantial relationship with a guy. To be frank, I am scared to be in love. I am anxious and not sure that I even want to be married. The world around us is only turning into a more nightmarish place to exist. So, how can a marriage/relationship last in this world? How do couples bear through financial struggles, raising difficult children, sickness/disorders, etc. etc. etc. The list of all the things wrong with this world goes on and on.

To me, it sounds like nothing is fun after the honeymoon stage. What I mean by honeymoon stage is the period in which you get the feeling of being high off of love. This eventually fades, am I right? Granted, I have never experienced falling in love and then having the love fade. But, from what my eyes see, couples around me are not what they used to be. They’re disappointed with what their lives turned out to be. They do not seem to be in love the way they probably were a couple years ago. People cheat on each other, they lie, they become addicted to other things, they become adulterous, they lack passion. Then, they get divorced or they separate.

So, this is why I fear love. And perhaps this means I fear commitment, because if I am going to love someone, I want to love like God. But, isn’t this impossible? “Like God”? I guess many people strive to become like Christ. But HELLO – none of us will ever be able to love exactly like Christ. This is scary to me. I am scared to fail. And the problem is that when I fail, I do not want to give up, but I know I will be tempted to. Perhaps I will be married and fail; I do not want divorce. I hate that word. If I am going to act like Christ, I am going to learn to forgive like Christ and be with someone who can forgive like Christ. I know it’s easy to say this now when I have yet to handle life’s curveballs. But, I feel my faith on fire. During this moment, during this youthful moment of my life, I am doubting myself constantly. But, as long as I can remind myself that God is with me constantly, then there won’t be anything that I can’t handle.

So the fear lies in forgetting that Jesus and Mary are holding my hand during this post-honeymoon stage. Ten years will pass and things will be miserable. Yes, I know that I will probably not get the butterflies I once did when we first met. Perhaps things will be a little more dry. We will have seen each other in our most natural forms and behaviors. We will have learned almost everything there is to know about each other. It won’t be as exciting as the moment of our first date, first kiss, our wedding, our honeymoon, etc. You will be frustrated that I left my shoes in the living room, forgot to do the laundry, skipped washing the dishes for a day, etc. I will perhaps be annoyed when you come home from work in a bad mood, when you maybe do not spend enough time with your children, and when you do not help me wash those dishes.

So yeah, things will probably be dreadful, right? But, the problem is people who are miserable are forgetting about the third party to their relationship – God. It is impossible to always please each other; because we are in this world, and it is absolutely impossible to please the world. The good news is that we should not be trying to please the world. St. John Vianney said, “You cannot please both God and the world at the same time. They are utterly opposed to each other in their thoughts, their desires, and their actions.” As long as we both strive to please God, we will find honest happiness and a love that never ceases to be electrifying. It is difficult to remember that we are not of this world, but rather we are only in it. There is a wonderful place for us to be after our time on this earth has ended. A place where we can finally be in perfect union with our Creator. I firmly believe that couples who strive to love like Christ during this life will experience a greater love in the life to come.

So offer up your sufferings to the Lord and “Abandon yourself into the hands of Mary. She will take care of you.” – St. Padre Pio

Tsoler

Junebugs

Junebugs make me reminisce about how things used to be. How I used to be outside with my brothers strenuously trying to catch them in jars. In those moments, everything was okay. I never had any lingering thoughts – thoughts about my future, about my homework, about boys, about anything. I was simple. I was content. I guess life happens, right?

I wonder why we can never hold on to these moments. These tender moments that we enjoy so so much. I’ve made a habit to always acknowledge how much fun I am having in that specific moment. “Jesus, thank you so much for what is happening right now. I am incredibly happy right now. I will be even happier when I am in perfect union with you.” I always tell myself this. I can never forget to show my gratitude. But then, they slip away. They pour out like a liquid out of the holes of a food strainer.

I have been patiently waiting for the end of June. But now, I wonder if these junebugs have shown up to tell me to RELAX. You still have more than half of June left to complete. I am eager for things to come. These junebugs came to tell me “Remember me? Remember these precious memories? You can still have these moments. Stop rushing to grow up. Stop rushing to live in a different month. You are living now.” I am stupid. These things are just bugs. I guess I have a creative imagination. Or I am telling myself this to feel better.

But the thing is, I do feel better. I am watching these bugs light up and my soul is literally lighting up. I am on fire. I feel at home. I am at home. I am spending precious times with my parents. And when I look back at the summer of my upcoming junior year of college, I will remember that I spent the majority of this summer with my parents. My awesome parents. In the blink of an eye, they will turn old and gray, and perhaps the moments with them will not be the same. So, right now I am grateful – that we all have energy to love each other, and to laugh. We will always have this, right? But I need to start acknowledging it right now. Before it seeps through the strainer.

I can stop trying to convince myself of anything now. I am happy right now. I am thankful. Moments will slip away, but they will never leave my memory.

Thank you Father.

tsoler

Emily Bronte in my life

My brother is being released from prison on Wednesday and for the first time in years, I feel like I am moving into a new stage of my life. As if it was all dependent on my brother’s status in life. I guess it has been this way because all my life my brothers have been some type of safety net for me. I hung out with them a lot and know them so personally (duh). I was raised attached to my brothers, my best friends. Different parts of them make up a whole lot of me. I guess I am growing worried for them – for their happiness and health. I am become motherly more and more everyday. I don’t know what it is. I am too family oriented, sometimes. Sometimes, not enough. All I know is whatever our souls are made out of, theirs and mine are the same.

I trust you God

prior to Valentine’s Day

I have been thinking about relationships and the lack of I guess maybe because Valentine’s Day is approaching. Well, I think some people have a stigma associated with relationships because they have either been bitter about past relationships or they have never been in one so they choose, instead, to be bitter and not open minded about meeting someone. I do not fall into either of these categories, fortunately. I have no problem being an individual. My life doesn’t start when I have a boyfriend, and I definitely do not need verification of my being from a guy.

But, I LOVE v-day. Why? simply because although it gives me a reason to binge watch romance movies and indulge in heart shaped candy, I like the feeling of being in a world where love actually does exist in all forms – and we have a day dedicated for that. I guess my tradition is to spend every V-day with my mother. I don’t know when that started, and I don’t know when it will end. But, I love it. I do not actively seek a boyfriend in anticipation of Valentine’s Day. Rather, I admire peoples’ relationships with their significant others from afar and I also spend time with my mom, haha. Because I LOVE her.

But – I will admit. I am quite excited to experience an intimate relationship. Not intimate as in sexual. But, I want to get to know someone. kinda like the way I know my best friend so intimately. I know so much about her. Her deep dark secrets, and obviously, perhaps, there is a lot she probably hasn’t told me – which is okay. additionally, i know her fears and her dreams and her flaws and her talents that trump her flaws. It is safe to say that I had to invest in that relationship with my best friend. When am I going to meet a guy to be able to do that with? There is something about males being of the opposite sex that prevents me from getting to know them like I would try to get to know a girl. Either I have not put myself out there enough or the guy I am meant to know has not crossed my path.

But think about it – investing in someone, caring about them, perhaps loving them? well, put aside love for now. but, the reason i am writing about this is because for someone like me who values her alone time and independence, I really cannot imagine having another person to care for in such an intimate way. To mourn when they are mourning. To rejoice when they are happy. To know everything about them, and still want to pursue him/her. The mere fact that there might be someone out there who wants to deeply get to know someone like me is beyond me. WHere are you!??! i’d like to get to know you too- just to see what type of person I would become when I am with you.

have a happy Valentine’s Day :)

thanks for reading

-Tsoler