My grandmother passed away quite a while ago when I was about 12 years old. I am now 20. I have spent 8 years without the woman I looked up to most. Tonight, while sitting and reflecting on life with my mother, she told me something about my grandma that I never knew. I found out that she ended her pregnancy following the birth of my mother. My grandfather had passed away, leaving my grandma with several children to look after. She was in Lebanon, where circumstances are not bright. She was poor. What choice did she have? This was probably her train of thought.
I am so incredibly broken. Even sitting here and writing this is killing me. I am trying to write correctly through the tears that are blurring my vision. I just wish that someone could have been there to tell my grandmother, “You are strong. You can have this child. You were meant to have this child.” But, she had no one. The most devout woman I knew aborted her baby. I could not believe my mother when she told me. I sat there with my jaw open and a quizzical look on my face, for perhaps my mother had told me the story incorrectly. Perhaps she meant to say my gma had a miscarriage…or someone irrelevant to our lives had an abortion. But no, my grandfather died, leaving my Jesus loving grandma pregnant and scared for her future. So, out of fear, she had an abortion. She thought she had no choice, when she did. she did. she did. She had a choice. If only someone were there for her…
I struggle now with wondering if I ever really knew my grandmother the way I thought I did. I have never experienced something like this before. I obviously still love my grandma, and I am no where near angry at her. But, I am terribly mournful for her. I am mourning that she thought she had nothing else to do. I am mourning for that baby. I am mourning for my mother.
But I am rejoicing in the truth that her child is in heaven right now. I am rejoicing that my mother and her sibling will be reunited eventually. I am rejoicing that my grandmother and her child have already been reunited for a while now and are looking down at us smiling.
Our faith is a beautiful thing. The belief that there is new life, indeed.