I was thinking to myself again about moments that I wish could be permanent. Perhaps like the moments in these pictures – of me being an animal, or me just being me. The thing about live art is that it doesn’t leave you with any manuscripts to take back. You could buy a painting and hold onto that. It’s tangible. But movement as art only leaves you with a feeling, an experience that you can’t really return to. Perhaps you could return to it, but it wouldn’t be the same. You cannot have two different experiences be the exact same. They will always be different. And this is why we crave live art, because we also crave intimacy. The relation between the artist and the outsider is intimate and maybe sometimes awkward. But, we want these moments. And then when they are over, we wish they could have lasted longer. We wish this because they are the most intimate conversations we can ever have; because rather than using our words, we are using our bodies. There is something about the body that is very personal and private. Through this movement, we expose those deeply personal parts – the palms of our feet, rather than the palms of our hands which are always revealed to people in daily life. In other words, we share our human nature. Each of us built differently, and through dance, we show that structure of ours. My nature that is mine and only mine and all the parts of me that I have yet to discover. Dance really helps. For someone like me, who cannot express herself very articulately, I am learning to express myself more clearly everyday. Every time I make a move, I reveal a little something else about myself that you get to learn. Through all of this, I am inviting you to a conversation with me. I offer and challenge you this experience.
Originally posted on Thought Catalog:
Understand that life is not a straight line. Life is not a set timeline of milestones. It is okay if you don’t finish school, get married, find a job that supports you, have a family, make money, and live comfortably all by this age, or that age. It’s okay if you do, as long as you understand that if you’re not married by 25, or a Vice President by 30 — or even happy, for that matter — the world isn’t going to condemn you. You are allowed to backtrack. You are allowed to figure out what inspires you. You are allowed time, and I think we often forget that. We choose a program right out of high school because the proper thing to do is to go straight to University. We choose a job right out of University, even if we didn’t love our program, because we…
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I have never been in a substantial relationship with a guy. To be frank, I am scared to be in love. I am anxious and not sure that I even want to be married. The world around us is only turning into a more nightmarish place to exist. So, how can a marriage/relationship last in this world? How do couples bear through financial struggles, raising difficult children, sickness/disorders, etc. etc. etc. The list of all the things wrong with this world goes on and on.
To me, it sounds like nothing is fun after the honeymoon stage. What I mean by honeymoon stage is the period in which you get the feeling of being high off of love. This eventually fades, am I right? Granted, I have never experienced falling in love and then having the love fade. But, from what my eyes see, couples around me are not what they used to be. They’re disappointed with what their lives turned out to be. They do not seem to be in love the way they probably were a couple years ago. People cheat on each other, they lie, they become addicted to other things, they become adulterous, they lack passion. Then, they get divorced or they separate.
So, this is why I fear love. And perhaps this means I fear commitment, because if I am going to love someone, I want to love like God. But, isn’t this impossible? “Like God”? I guess many people strive to become like Christ. But HELLO – none of us will ever be able to love exactly like Christ. This is scary to me. I am scared to fail. And the problem is that when I fail, I do not want to give up, but I know I will be tempted to. Perhaps I will be married and fail; I do not want divorce. I hate that word. If I am going to act like Christ, I am going to learn to forgive like Christ and be with someone who can forgive like Christ. I know it’s easy to say this now when I have yet to handle life’s curveballs. But, I feel my faith on fire. During this moment, during this youthful moment of my life, I am doubting myself constantly. But, as long as I can remind myself that God is with me constantly, then there won’t be anything that I can’t handle.
So the fear lies in forgetting that Jesus and Mary are holding my hand during this post-honeymoon stage. Ten years will pass and things will be miserable. Yes, I know that I will probably not get the butterflies I once did when we first met. Perhaps things will be a little more dry. We will have seen each other in our most natural forms and behaviors. We will have learned almost everything there is to know about each other. It won’t be as exciting as the moment of our first date, first kiss, our wedding, our honeymoon, etc. You will be frustrated that I left my shoes in the living room, forgot to do the laundry, skipped washing the dishes for a day, etc. I will perhaps be annoyed when you come home from work in a bad mood, when you maybe do not spend enough time with your children, and when you do not help me wash those dishes.
So yeah, things will probably be dreadful, right? But, the problem is people who are miserable are forgetting about the third party to their relationship – God. It is impossible to always please each other; because we are in this world, and it is absolutely impossible to please the world. The good news is that we should not be trying to please the world. St. John Vianney said, “You cannot please both God and the world at the same time. They are utterly opposed to each other in their thoughts, their desires, and their actions.” As long as we both strive to please God, we will find honest happiness and a love that never ceases to be electrifying. It is difficult to remember that we are not of this world, but rather we are only in it. There is a wonderful place for us to be after our time on this earth has ended. A place where we can finally be in perfect union with our Creator. I firmly believe that couples who strive to love like Christ during this life will experience a greater love in the life to come.
So offer up your sufferings to the Lord and “Abandon yourself into the hands of Mary. She will take care of you.” – St. Padre Pio
Junebugs make me reminisce about how things used to be. How I used to be outside with my brothers strenuously trying to catch them in jars. In those moments, everything was okay. I never had any lingering thoughts – thoughts about my future, about my homework, about boys, about anything. I was simple. I was content. I guess life happens, right?
I wonder why we can never hold on to these moments. These tender moments that we enjoy so so much. I’ve made a habit to always acknowledge how much fun I am having in that specific moment. “Jesus, thank you so much for what is happening right now. I am incredibly happy right now. I will be even happier when I am in perfect union with you.” I always tell myself this. I can never forget to show my gratitude. But then, they slip away. They pour out like a liquid out of the holes of a food strainer.
I have been patiently waiting for the end of June. But now, I wonder if these junebugs have shown up to tell me to RELAX. You still have more than half of June left to complete. I am eager for things to come. These junebugs came to tell me “Remember me? Remember these precious memories? You can still have these moments. Stop rushing to grow up. Stop rushing to live in a different month. You are living now.” I am stupid. These things are just bugs. I guess I have a creative imagination. Or I am telling myself this to feel better.
But the thing is, I do feel better. I am watching these bugs light up and my soul is literally lighting up. I am on fire. I feel at home. I am at home. I am spending precious times with my parents. And when I look back at the summer of my upcoming junior year of college, I will remember that I spent the majority of this summer with my parents. My awesome parents. In the blink of an eye, they will turn old and gray, and perhaps the moments with them will not be the same. So, right now I am grateful – that we all have energy to love each other, and to laugh. We will always have this, right? But I need to start acknowledging it right now. Before it seeps through the strainer.
I can stop trying to convince myself of anything now. I am happy right now. I am thankful. Moments will slip away, but they will never leave my memory.
Thank you Father.
this is what i do for a living – not for money, but for sanity.