I do not know what this is supposed to be. I do not know where it is supposed to go. I can only say that I am completely enamored of you, and you of me. But, it’s as if the heartbreak has already happened. I can foreshadow it. Then, I start to feel it; and it is painful – whatever it is. And once again, I remember that I can hold my own, and that’s what I had been doing before I met you. I am so drenched in my art that I can barely think straight. Let me dance for the rest of my life, and I will be stable and full of bliss. Somehow, it is not as if you are less significant, but less of a desire.
but I see promise in you. I really do. One day, I think/I hope, I can invite you into my art, into my soul.
^this is how i am expressing myself poetically. Here is what is happening in 1st grade terms –
Summer means separation. separated from you, separated from this town, from ordinance. it’s a vacation. and it is – I get to dance again, I get to take an easy summer class, and I get to work and make money that my broke college student self really needs. Most importantly – I can reconnect with my creator, whom I have been incredibly distant from. This is key, because He will solve everything.
I just feel like I need to get my life together. Also, my mom’s leaving the country soon, and I’m gonna miss her bad. My brother is starting a new life in a new country. Also, you are leaving, too. My point is I don’t fucking feel like missing a bunch of people this summer. and being sad. and being miserable, and then pretending I am okay. so I need something to occupy my mind. That’s my point. I am not clinically depressed. I just feel things too deeply. That’s why I am a good empathizer. too too deeply. it hurts me, it cuts deep. my veins are being torn out, my intestines are slowly being unraveled while I am awake, my toenails are being clipped off. Sorry for the gory images – but how else should I describe my emotional pain? Oh, I can’t.
so i am calling all empathizers. be with me, please. and pray for me.