it doesn’t get easier from here on out

life doesn’t get easier from here on out. the decisions we have to make get tougher. we have to let people go. people let go of us. we suffer. we struggle. that is when our faith comes into play. that’s what faith is. believing even when it seems impossible to believe. believing when we are always doubting.

i know it’s hard to accept this, but Padre Pio once said, “I know that your spirit is always wrapped in the darkness of trials, but it is enough for you to know that Jesus is with you and in you.”

Now, doesn’t that make you feel better immediately?^

He is with us, and He is in us.

happy season of advent :)

- a frenzied soul

for all those who are “single”

First, let me be honest. I have never been in a relationship. I’ve almost been in one, but it wasn’t quite there. So, hopefully you can continue reading this or if you do not think I am qualified to write about it then you can discontinue reading this. Either way, you won’t go wrong.

In the midst of budding relationships, I keep acknowledging my alone-ness, or independence, however you want to put it. But keep in mind that I do not use this negatively. I have never had a complaint about being on my own all the time for so long. I WILL admit that I have had thoughts of wanting a boyfriend, duh, of course. Which girl has not had these thoughts?  you can not try to tell me that you’re a girl who has never wanted a companion or felt the need for one. (although I do believe we do not ever NEED someone like that). Anyway, so you get it. I have had all the same feelings that you’ve ever had.

Then, I come to terms with the fact. My creator and controller of my life has not yet introduced me to my potential significant other for the most obvious reason – I am simply not ready. And when I tell myself that or ask myself if I were given the opportunity to be in a serious relationship RIGHT NOW, “would I be ready for it?” the answer is no. There is no way in hell I am ready for that type of commitment right now! No, I am not ‘scared’ of commitments. People who are scared need to grow up, just by the way. The fact of the matter is that a serious relationship, in my opinion, at least, is something where a person loves another with all their being, even when it is not easy to love that person sometimes. Despite their flaws and deficiencies in areas, I want to be able love someone so truly and deeply. I am certainly not ready to do that.

When I say I am not ready, it means I have not matured to really learn how to love someone like that. I at least know that is what real love is for me, but there is no way I am ready to pursue it. Here is why – my life is a daily practice of learning to love myself. One day I might look in the mirror and like who I am and another day I will be horrified. The fact of the matter might be that maybe I’d be better at loving others than myself, but that just does not make any sense. Loving yourself consists of making yourself the best you can be for whoever you might end up with romantically later on. It means accepting your flaws and your deficiencies and working to make them right. It means that this search so many of us go on to find “the one” should end now because rather you should be working on your soul. It means that this idea of ‘I found my other half’ is nonexistent, because you should have been complete without having to meet another person to “complete you.” Work to complete yourself. This means that life is a journey where we should be in the middle of pursuing a relationship with our creator (that would be the Good Lord Jesus, for me) and on the way, praying for the salvation of our future spouses, as well!

So take a deep breathe and embrace that independence of yours because God has blessed you with all this time on your own to find Him and love Him and through Him, you will get to know and love yourself.

Thanks for reading!

a frenzied soul

what i believe

so, i am actually Armenian Orthodox and have decided to dig myself more into the faith. Wow, there is so much beauty and goodness in it. Basically the same thing as Catholicism, if you ask me.

But, after only some brief studying and with more to come, I have already decided that this whole thing with trying to choose between what religion I want to be is so insignificant. Who cares about religion? It is a title, someone may have this title and not practice the lifestyle. I believe in One God, the Father, the Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth. This is what I believe.

I believe that when I attend the Celebration of the Holy Mass, that Jesus is present in the bread. That is His body and blood that I am consuming. I am witnessing the Holy Sacrifice happen right in front of me at every mass I attend. This is what I believe.

new hair!

Photo on 10-22-14 at 9.53 PM

I kinda like this little snap i took of me…haha new haircut ya’ll! honestly, i think it’s more me. is it weird to say long hair does not feel like my personality? obviously no matter what type of hair i have my personality remains the same, duh!  okay well i ask a favor from all of you – help me not get too caught up in appearance please! it is so insignificant when you think about it. everyone has an intrinsic beauty. humans = beauty. because they are all God’s creation duhhhhh! <3

blurr

Photo on 11-9-13 at 9.21 PM

i am back, readers. what have i been up to? i’m not sure. I never know how to answer the question when it is asked. i have been pursuing an intimate relationship with my creator. This is not meant to sound deep – this is meant to sound real and true. because the story is true and my faith logical.

why is time flashing right before my eyes. i make this observation but the next day i will complain that everything sucks. these moments are escaping me. so i pray that i might be able to notice them in the midst of their happening.

let’s take, for example. this random picture i took of myself. i am not sure what is happening here, what i was doing, why their is a slight blurriness present. Will there be a time where we look at pictures and not remember the memory associated with it? Heaven forbid it ever comes to that. But this is merely just a picture of me, so unflattering, so strange, so meaningless. Perhaps I have inserted this picture into the post because I am waving hello to you all again!

I am doing not so great in school. Well, I am doing fine. But, i had to drop a class… and it’s killing me inside. eating me up actually. Why can’t i accept the fact that I won’t be able to be brilliant at every subject? I keep expecting a straight path to success. and THAT is why no one should have expectations…it comes with too much disappointment. my advice – accept whatever happens, let it happen, trust that your creator has good plans for you.

maybe i should say farewell before i start trying too hard to be all poetic. it’s not flowing very naturally today. but it’s okay.

here are the books i am currently reading:

captivating – stasi eldredge

if i stay – gayle forman

until next time readers,

a frenzied soul,

Tsoler

heaven is here

stop.

just drop everything now

because while you are sitting

you are overanalyzing

every single thing – every eyelash on your cheek

every spot of sun on your bed

through your window sill

every message that pops up on your phone screen

every worry in your mind

every craving of your soul

you long for something more

while you sit and adore

all the people you wish you could be

all the things you wish you could see

but let us not forget that while we own materials

they do not own us.

while we long for places we’ve never been to

we’ve been somewhere deeper -

more glorious, more beautiful.

can we not live such simple lives and

still live fully?

throw away the bucket list.

just drop everything now -

all your worries, all your ambitions

you will be fine, in your small town life,

in your small town home

where everyone around has big hearts

and certainly big minds.

do you need more?!

you’ve been given more than you need!

we have a God of abundance

yet our eyes are weak, they fail to see what

surrounds us all.

beauty -

a creation we can never form good enough words to describe.

search for your gratitude

and you’ll find happiness.

thanksgiving daily is the key to life

not a life where you are just breathing and moving

but a life where you are experiencing a glimpse of heaven -

right then and there.

keep working for your salvation,

but realize -

heaven is right here.

yoga today

This morning, I woke up at 5:45 am to take a 6:30 am yoga class with my lovely friend Sarah. She is such a blessing. I am seriously so thankful that the Lord is putting all these people in my life. I have gotten to know so many wonderful lovers of Christ. It is so crazy how God works. At the very beginning of the year, I prayed for a year where my relationships with people were centered more on Christ, and Jesus has certainly been answering my prayers! I am reliving the transformation everyday. God, I want to fall in love with you more and more. Open my heart and mind. I am ready to receive you. the real you.

Also, Lord Father, thank you again for introducing me to Marina, who is truly another blessing not just for me, but for my sweet friend Frank. I do not think I would have enjoyed my first concert as much as I did if it weren’t for Marina. She’s such a light and joy.

Here we are on the day of the concert -

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Also Jesus, thank you for the happiness you poured upon me during this incredible concert experience. I can only imagine how much greater heaven will be when I am in perfect union with You.

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Thanks for reading friends,

a frenzied soul

the head and the heart

i have to write about this before it escapes me. I had the most amazing experience tonight. By that I mean I felt as if i was truly feeling pure happiness. I went to my first concert – a band that i absolutely ADORE. I wrote a post about them a while ago about buying their concert tickets and well, time certainly flew!

wow. words are so so weak. words will not do this experience any justice. I have to remember to not lose myself completely in music. While I love this band so so much, I have to remember to keep thanking the Lord for instilling this talent in these artists. I have to remember that this is just God’s artwork being revealed to us. Thank you so much, Jesus, for giving people who crave happiness these types of experiences.

You are the Artist and you have shared your art with the musicians of The Head and the Heart. that thing I said about pure happiness? I imagine heaven to be just like my experience tonight magnified by a trillion.

Lord, I can’t wait to be in perfect union with you – so we can listen to the head and the heart together.

this world is big

This world is big

And he is just one human

This world is big and there are plenty of humans

I am just one human too.

How quickly we fall into thinking

That one human is ours to keep.

But he is not mine, and I am not his

Yet he is in my thoughts.

This world is big

But my thoughts are small.

And just as he is only one human,

He is also only one small thought

In my mind

But in my heart the story changes -

My blood vessels clot

With so much food in my stomach,

There is still an emptiness -

emptiness because I know

My small human self is not in his thoughts.

How insignificant we are in this big world.

But let us remember that this world is, indeed, big.

And where we humans are right now -

We are institutionalized

Some are imprisoned

Some work in boxes

Others live in literal boxes

We are at stadiums for Saturday football

We are at home in the living room couch

Wondering when our children are coming home.

We are in middle school wondering when

The popular kids will be friends with us

We are married to materials

That we own but they do not own us

And that is something often forgotten

And some are married to others that perhaps

They are not sure if it is real

We are virgins

Whether it be sexual virginity or virgins of life -

Virgins who have yet to taste life and who desire truth

They are hungry. We are those virgins.

This world is big, let us remember.

And that is the greatest secret to be told.

Because soon in this big world,

You’ll meet another human

Who will be yours and you, theirs.

Meeting New People

I absolutely adore meeting new people, investing in new lives. I cannot fathom what it is about digging deep into someone’s soul and getting to know every dark crevice hidden in them.

Sometimes I wonder why we humans are so quick to judge. Seriously – think about it. Sometimes we are very close-minded. If someone isn’t dressed the way you like or doesn’t talk the way you like or doesn’t believe in the same things as you or blah blah blah, we are so quick to close our hearts to those types of people. Yes, it is true we connect perhaps “faster” with people we share common interests with. But eventually, when we really come to the point in our lives where we are sitting alone in our rooms, contemplating on who we want to be – how can we know who we want to be if we haven’t invested our lives in several others’ lives that are so completely different from us?

Unfortunately, I am guilty of judging too often and too quickly. Who am I, anyway? Do I love myself that much that I should judge others? No, that’s just a prideful issue. I am not prideful, that I know. Here is what I am – I am scared and too comfortable in my current state of being. I seek out people who are just like me, so I can make more cool Christian friends. I sit in my typical spot at a coffee shop and hide in my books/homework anticipating something cool to take place. What am I doing? Okay, wait – studying in coffee shops is a good thing to do, people! Do not get me wrong. I am speaking more personally here. People who feel an undefined emptiness might be blind to the fact that maybe what they’re missing are encounters. We are put on this earth to encounter strange and wonderful things. How boring is life if we just stay in our niche? We can learn so much more about not just ourselves but about this beautiful world we live in. Life is much bigger than hanging out with your usual friends in coffee shops. We are called to be a disturbance to people. For all you Jesus followers out there – Christ is not calling us to just be goody good people and stay relaxed and sip our coffee (sorry, i like coffee a lot, can you tell?) But RATHER Christ wants us to disturb people with His Glory, with His GOOD NEWS.

Back in Jesus’ time, people who followed Jesus were part of the counterculture. They did not fit into society. They were, like I said, a disturbance. So now think about it again – You are meant to be a disturbance – to influence those around you, who are like you and especially those who are UNLIKE you.

I wish I could speak as if i were qualified to speak. But, to be honest with whoever is reading this. I am only a second year in college… I have yet to experience the most gruesome and beautiful moments of my godly life. Perhaps I am in the midst of experiencing it now, sure. But…I feel too comfortable. too too comfortable. I am not spreading Jesus to other people; rather I am sitting in my luxurious shell, cuddling with my bible, writing in my journal, being a typical, brainwashed gal who thinks everything is good because I love Jesus and He loves me. Well, yeah that part is basically true, but a relationship with Christ is NOT always rainbows and butterflies just as any worldly relationship isn’t always pleasant. It is a disturbance, indeed – a relationship with Christ.

I fear what will happen after I finish writing this and finally post it, I will go back to my regular life – doing the things I always do. My boring, routine-filled ways and days. I wish I could continue writing and be content with just that. But, these are just words on a computer screen – so incredibly meaningless. I need to constantly remind myself to be a disturbance and make THAT the meaningful routine of my life.

I would love to see some comments from some of you beautiful strangers and alllll your thoughts :)

Remember – be a disturbance.

Thanks for reading,

a frenzied soul