Meeting New People

I absolutely adore meeting new people, investing in new lives. I cannot fathom what it is about digging deep into someone’s soul and getting to know every dark crevice hidden in them.

Sometimes I wonder why we humans are so quick to judge. Seriously – think about it. Sometimes we are very close-minded. If someone isn’t dressed the way you like or doesn’t talk the way you like or doesn’t believe in the same things as you or blah blah blah, we are so quick to close our hearts to those types of people. Yes, it is true we connect perhaps “faster” with people we share common interests with. But eventually, when we really come to the point in our lives where we are sitting alone in our rooms, contemplating on who we want to be – how can we know who we want to be if we haven’t invested our lives in several others’ lives that are so completely different from us?

Unfortunately, I am guilty of judging too often and too quickly. Who am I, anyway? Do I love myself that much that I should judge others? No, that’s just a prideful issue. I am not prideful, that I know. Here is what I am – I am scared and too comfortable in my current state of being. I seek out people who are just like me, so I can make more cool Christian friends. I sit in my typical spot at a coffee shop and hide in my books/homework anticipating something cool to take place. What am I doing? Okay, wait – studying in coffee shops is a good thing to do, people! Do not get me wrong. I am speaking more personally here. People who feel an undefined emptiness might be blind to the fact that maybe what they’re missing are encounters. We are put on this earth to encounter strange and wonderful things. How boring is life if we just stay in our niche? We can learn so much more about not just ourselves but about this beautiful world we live in. Life is much bigger than hanging out with your usual friends in coffee shops. We are called to be a disturbance to people. For all you Jesus followers out there – Christ is not calling us to just be goody good people and stay relaxed and sip our coffee (sorry, i like coffee a lot, can you tell?) But RATHER Christ wants us to disturb people with His Glory, with His GOOD NEWS.

Back in Jesus’ time, people who followed Jesus were part of the counterculture. They did not fit into society. They were, like I said, a disturbance. So now think about it again – You are meant to be a disturbance – to influence those around you, who are like you and especially those who are UNLIKE you.

I wish I could speak as if i were qualified to speak. But, to be honest with whoever is reading this. I am only a second year in college… I have yet to experience the most gruesome and beautiful moments of my godly life. Perhaps I am in the midst of experiencing it now, sure. But…I feel too comfortable. too too comfortable. I am not spreading Jesus to other people; rather I am sitting in my luxurious shell, cuddling with my bible, writing in my journal, being a typical, brainwashed gal who thinks everything is good because I love Jesus and He loves me. Well, yeah that part is basically true, but a relationship with Christ is NOT always rainbows and butterflies just as any worldly relationship isn’t always pleasant. It is a disturbance, indeed – a relationship with Christ.

I fear what will happen after I finish writing this and finally post it, I will go back to my regular life – doing the things I always do. My boring, routine-filled ways and days. I wish I could continue writing and be content with just that. But, these are just words on a computer screen – so incredibly meaningless. I need to constantly remind myself to be a disturbance and make THAT the meaningful routine of my life.

I would love to see some comments from some of you beautiful strangers and alllll your thoughts :)

Remember – be a disturbance.

Thanks for reading,

a frenzied soul

what a frightening thing is the human

i don’t know what i will write about tonight. maybe i am writing just for the sake of writing something. But also, I want to share a lot of what i’m reading with all of you. It is called “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis. It’s a lot more philosophical than any other spiritual/christian book i’ve read. Therefore, I think i’ll spend a little while longer on this book. I want to be able to understand every bit of it. I want the foundation of my logic and reason to be based on Christ. I want to study as much as I can – fill up my mind with knowledge until I explode.

^ I wrote that paragraph days ago and then never posted this. Tonight, I feel very disconnected from the world. I am searching for Jesus, and I am feeling like I need Him desperately right now. I am left unsatisfied and hungry. How can I really experience the Lord? I am praying and seeking for a way to live my life that is not my own. I want to live God’s life. How can i lose my life so that I may live His? Why am i not yet satiated when just last week I thought I had it all figured out? This relationship with Christ, I assume, is not always rainbows and butterflies. The troubles of the world are so cruel, and they pull me away from You. But You, dear Jesus, are the answer to everything. The infinite happiness. I thank you for everything you have blessed me with. Now, I pray that I can find endurance and patience because I feel as if right now those two are what I need most. People can be so hard to love, but I have to find patience through you. I will always upset you, Lord. and You know that. But, if it was possible to live a life completely like You, then there would be no point to our beings in this earthly world. For me, the goal is to lose my life. To gain it in an out-of-this-worldly way. Forgive me if I ever forget that you have a will for me. If I ever forget that Your plan is better than mine. I put my trust in You, Jesus Christ. I know that whenever I am in a moment where I need to spread Your name or live Your life actively, the Holy Spirit will be within me, guiding me. I want Your will, Lord. I declare it a thousand times.

I want Your Will.

I want Your Will.

I want Your Will.

I want Your Will.

I want Your Will.

If I want Your Will, then I will not miss it.

Amen

Hear me out, bloggers

For all of you reading this, hear me out. This life we are all living right now – waking up, having responsibilities, being in debt, routine after routine after routine – has purpose. and we forget it. There is purpose in this world. In this world that we are not of. We cannot conform to these worldly ways. We are not called to fit in, but rather to stand out. Be friends with the minors. Our purpose is to seek the heaven and eternal life that is already inside of us (C.S. Lewis) We may be deceived by the trouble we encounter everyday and think that life sucks and is hopeless. But what we need to be encountering is the Lord Jesus. We are ALL capable of encountering Him. But, we are not on fire. We are not passionate. Instead, we drag along during our tedious daily lives completely empty and hungry. We are HUNGRY! hungry for truth! This is the famine that is currently taking place. We are not lacking food, we lack truth! So aren’t hungry people supposed to be on fire!? Why can we not be more passionate and have fire in our hearts? Will we really allow this troubled world to lead us further away from happiness? There are far greater things out thing that we cannot even begin to imagine/describe/wonder about. There is eternal life and even I who is writing this cannot explain it to you well enough for you to understand. Even I do not understand what I am saying. All I know is this Truth. The Truth is God and His only Son – Jesus Christ. In Him we can find the truth we are searching for and then we will find our purpose for living – to love Him. He is the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Him. 

Be at peace bloggers. Take courage for He is with you. 

thanks for reading, 

a frenzied soul 

an angry post

let’s say you decided you wanted to walk back into my life: 

you’re kidding right? Why would I want anything to do with you? How do you not realize that I can’t trust you again, maybe I couldn’t trust you to begin with but I wasn’t aware of it. You walked right into my life and walked all over my life until I was just about ready to consume every bit of you. and then you walked right back out. I don’t know what was going through your mind, but you don’t get to just enter and exit whenever you want…or at least without a fair warning. I do realize that you’re probably just another stupid boy, who doesn’t realize that this thing the entire male population does really can affect a girl. Remember when I told you you’re all that I think about? Do you seriously think has changed the slightest bit? It hasn’t and yet it has. The thoughts I had when you were in my life were happier than ever, yet now I cannot think of the time I was as sad as this. Sad because you leave me no hope for meeting a  guy that will be a man and actually pursue me. 

You told me you were the one with trust problems. 

You told me you wanted to pursue me and make me your girlfriend. 

You told me you’ve never felt this way about a person before. 

You left. 

Where was in this entire thing? 

Gosh, I can’t imagine ever being able to trust you again. I hope you do come back and explain yourself. I like you so much that I am praying you give me a valid explanation for your disappearance. I pray for you, I pray with you. 

Anyway, for now, I embrace my solitude by living my life through Christ — it always goes back to main man Jesus :) 

NOTE TO ALL READERS: it’s okay to be alone. In fact, loneliness is quite lovely. Learn to be comfortable by yourself. Only then will you learn you were never alone to begin with… 

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I am hungry to taste life and desire truth.

“I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” – John 14:6

 

I am instilled with a strange type of happiness today. I think it is the happiness that I find through Christ revealing His gift of beauty to us. The weather here in Athens has been beautifully hot this past week. I have been listening to the same songs over and over. The songs that are beautifully sad. I spend more time outside – walking to class rather than taking a bus. I think I am going to buy a bike to get around campus. Here I am – finally seeing things I have been looking at for so long. My eyes are opened to God’s beauty.

Let’s be real – we all long for something infinite. We all long for delight. To be enriched. When we receive our Christmas presents, a month later they get old and we want something else. When will we find something that will infinitely satisfy us? I desire truth. There is no material good that is capable of doing so – whether it is a new pair of shoes you just got or an ipad or a new car. It all gets old. But, does a sunrise/sunset ever bore you? No, it’s always beautiful. When do you ever not find solace in nature? It’s my place to be to find peace, that’s for sure. Do your favorite songs ever cease to make you feel good? I listen to my favorite songs at LEAST once everyday. Because to me, these things are beautiful – and it’s God’s beauty. In beauty we find truth. In this beauty we find comfort. Beauty was in the mind of God before it was ever exposed to us. In His beauty, we find infinity. God is infinite. He is not limited by time. He has no beginning or end. He brings delight. He enriches us. He is the truth – the truth we are all longing for, all searching for. 

Thanks for reading, 

a frenzied soul 

Sunday Eve.

God is calling me, ya’ll. I don’t know how to express it. I am being called to actively follow God. While I am focused on my studies, my main and ultimate focus will be Jesus. I wake up with him, I spend my day with him, and I fall asleep thinking of HIM. I am being called to do missionary work. I want to serve others, I want to serve the Lord. I sacrifice my whole self to Him. every bit and piece of me. I am falling at my knees declaring myself a slave for the Lord. The One who knows love more than any other person. The most human human-being there ever was. I want to let go of all these other idols – trying to chase romance, trying to appear more attractive, trying hard to fit in. God is not calling me to fit in. I am being called to stand out.  I want to witness the Lord in other people. Archbishop Gregory’s homily really did inspire me today – I am in college attempting to discover who I am. But, that’s not the way to do it. I need to find out who Jesus is first, in order to find out my own identity. How can I find out who I am without knowing the one who knows me more than I know myself? 

hallelujah, wow. that changes everything. huh. all this time i thought i knew who i was. but, turns out – i don’t. and it’s okay. The Lord is within me. I will find confidence in Him. I will lose sight of myself to gain complete sight of Him. 

let a new week commence with God by my side, once again.

thanks for reading,

a frenzied soul 

p.s. I love this song 

 

so many feelings tonight.

Us girls make big deals out of everything, I guess it’s true in a way. We get screwed over by guys all the time, which leaves us emotionally unstable and leaves the guy…well, nothing. Guys never care. What is with this strange emotional difference between males and females? Why have I not met a single guy who would react the same way as a girl in the middle of a ripping out of the heart? Why do the same things happen over and over again? and then why do we allow it to happen to us again after it happens once? 

Maybe I can answer this question for myself. I treat pain like a drug, like a narcotic. Perhaps I enjoy the pain. And when I feel it, boy do I sure love biting at my nails and cracking my knuckles and all the other symptoms of pain and anxiety. I am constantly an emotional whirlpool. Why am i surprised that this one boy escaped from me? I am a mess. I am a walking masterpiece by Jackson Pollock – a random assortment of colors and paints and pastels. and when you look at me, I am hard to read – just as his paintings are hard to decipher. What was Pollock thinking when he was just splattering paint on a canvas?! Was it random? What was he feeling? I imagine he was so incredibly ruined inside. But, maybe I am completely wrong. What if that was his way of expressing his happiness? If there is anything I am so passionately curious about it is definitely about the type of man that Jackson Pollock was. Was he just another damaged artist? – revealing himself through his artwork? But, then again, don’t all humans do that? literal artists or not. We are all artists in our own ways. 

We reveal ourselves through different methods. okay, whatever. i am getting carried away, honestly. I have decided this: 

I will allow myself to feel however I want to feel. If i miss him, then I am going to miss him. I won’t let anybody tell me that “I am better off without him” – Ugh, just stop. I am just fine without him, I am aware of that. But like Pollock or any other damaged artist, I am human. I have feelings of loneliness. I cared about him – the one person I thought would be my person, my special person. ya know – my guy. I wanted to be able to call him my love. I want to be able to hear his voice calling my name, and get butterflies at the sound of my name coming out of his mouth. God knows I am human; he knows we are all human. When we feel lonely, he feels, as well. He is the most human of them all. (thank you John Eldredge) 

He is the most human human-being there ever was. Lord, I know you created these feelings, so in a way, they must mean something good, because you are only good. and you create only good things. You created friendship and relationship – things all us humans long for. If these feelings were created by You, then perhaps they must be felt. Perhaps pain demands to be felt (thank you, John Green). Sorry, I obviously read a lot. You bloggers should know by now. But yes, pain demands to be felt. But can we not say the same thing about happiness? I may demand to be happy, but I may not be able to be happy. Happiness must demand me to be happy. So, Jesus Christ, thank you for being the Man in my life because you are the true and ultimate source of happiness, once again! You are the Son of Man. The most human human-being. So, help me out, Lord. Help me to stop searching for someone to love. Allow me to fall in love with myself, instead. 

and here’s another thing – I am forever so grateful that you created the brilliance that is Jackson Pollock, and of course, a trillion other artists. They are the ones that we can feel with. If ever I am feeling sad, mad, lonely, tired, happy, etc – while I will always turn to you, you have provided for us humans these amazing set of artists who create masterpieces of all sorts. These other people we can turn to. 

Wow, Christ, you are truly a Savior. 

Thanks for reading,

a frenzied soul 

Fear, Go AWAY.

I have this fear – a fear that this thing I am currently experiencing is only just a phase when I don’t want it to be a phase. This thing in which I wake up in the mornings and crave Jesus, so I open up a Bible. This thing in which I feel His presence all around me all the time. I am feeling protected and a burden is suddenly lifted from my shoulders. Oh my Lord, please do not let this be a phase. On this Feast of the Assumption, allow me to be like Mother Mary every day of my life – faithful. I want to continue seeking You and be happy when I realize again and again that You are within me – always. What do I even need to fear if You are always within me? God You are so so great and all good things come from You. Help me fear no more, for You plan only good things…so why should I fear for my life in which You, Lord, have planned? 

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