Us girls make big deals out of everything, I guess it’s true in a way. We get screwed over by guys all the time, which leaves us emotionally unstable and leaves the guy…well, nothing. Guys never care. What is with this strange emotional difference between males and females? Why have I not met a single guy who would react the same way as a girl in the middle of a ripping out of the heart? Why do the same things happen over and over again? and then why do we allow it to happen to us again after it happens once?
Maybe I can answer this question for myself. I treat pain like a drug, like a narcotic. Perhaps I enjoy the pain. And when I feel it, boy do I sure love biting at my nails and cracking my knuckles and all the other symptoms of pain and anxiety. I am constantly an emotional whirlpool. Why am i surprised that this one boy escaped from me? I am a mess. I am a walking masterpiece by Jackson Pollock – a random assortment of colors and paints and pastels. and when you look at me, I am hard to read – just as his paintings are hard to decipher. What was Pollock thinking when he was just splattering paint on a canvas?! Was it random? What was he feeling? I imagine he was so incredibly ruined inside. But, maybe I am completely wrong. What if that was his way of expressing his happiness? If there is anything I am so passionately curious about it is definitely about the type of man that Jackson Pollock was. Was he just another damaged artist? – revealing himself through his artwork? But, then again, don’t all humans do that? literal artists or not. We are all artists in our own ways.
We reveal ourselves through different methods. okay, whatever. i am getting carried away, honestly. I have decided this:
I will allow myself to feel however I want to feel. If i miss him, then I am going to miss him. I won’t let anybody tell me that “I am better off without him” – Ugh, just stop. I am just fine without him, I am aware of that. But like Pollock or any other damaged artist, I am human. I have feelings of loneliness. I cared about him – the one person I thought would be my person, my special person. ya know – my guy. I wanted to be able to call him my love. I want to be able to hear his voice calling my name, and get butterflies at the sound of my name coming out of his mouth. God knows I am human; he knows we are all human. When we feel lonely, he feels, as well. He is the most human of them all. (thank you John Eldredge)
He is the most human human-being there ever was. Lord, I know you created these feelings, so in a way, they must mean something good, because you are only
good. and you create only good things. You created friendship and relationship – things all us humans long for. If these feelings were created by You, then perhaps they must be felt. Perhaps pain demands to be felt (thank you, John Green). Sorry, I obviously read a lot. You bloggers should know by now. But yes, pain demands to be felt. But can we not say the same thing about happiness? I may demand to be happy, but I may not be able to be happy. Happiness must demand me to be happy. So, Jesus Christ, thank you for being the Man in my life because you are the true and ultimate source of happiness, once again! You are the Son of Man. The most human human-being. So, help me out, Lord. Help me to stop searching for someone to love. Allow me to fall in love with myself, instead.
and here’s another thing – I am forever so grateful that you created the brilliance that is Jackson Pollock, and of course, a trillion other artists. They are the ones that we can feel with. If ever I am feeling sad, mad, lonely, tired, happy, etc – while I will always turn to you, you have provided for us humans these amazing set of artists who create masterpieces of all sorts. These other people we can turn to.
Wow, Christ, you are truly a Savior.
Thanks for reading,
a frenzied soul