I Suppose This Feeling Is Normal

I know

I don’t necessarily need you,

but it’s true that

I want you.

There’s something peculiar that happens inside of me when you walk into the room. You really do allow the clock to work faster for me, which is unfortunate. Because I’d like to keep you for as long as I can.

Don’t get me wrong – I do quite well, alone. I rejoice in simple pleasures – my morning coffee, my afternoon frenzied thoughts, and my late night reading. I am good at keeping to myself. You try so hard to get inside of me, inside of my head, and that just might be what frightens me the most. and What if you don’t like my insides? You’d put yourself through all that trouble just to discover that I am far from extraordinary. In fact, I am incredibly ordinary. Oh, what a disappointment that would be.

Or would it? Or would my mind be something for you to wander through adventurously? Perhaps you would enjoy it. Perhaps you would fall in love with my mind. But I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you’d fall in love with.

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This is me. 

I am un-put together

I am incapable of expressing myself

I physically and mentally, always, feel like a piece by Jackson Pollock

I will be socially awkward, all the time

But I am easy to love, I think.

There ya go, I always ‘think’ – I never KNOW

I’m always hesitant. Always unsure.

Not that confident at all,

but sometimes really confident in my talents.

I am a good dancer, a good artist.

I love to read.

I sometimes wish my life was a story/fairy-tale and not so much my reality.

I get lost in too many songs, too easily.

I am quite a mess. But seriously, my room is a disaster.

But there is culture, and there is character, and there is comfort.

I can easily love.

I will always take care of you.

I could always love you.

I will always have faith in you.

I will always have faith in Him.

He has made me.

This is me.

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This Might Scare You

So what I am about to tell you is probably the most vulnerable information you will have about me. 

I’ve kissed a lot of guys…but I’ve only kissed a lot of guys. Yes, I’m a virgin. I have never gone any further than kissing with any guy. Mainly because I am not capable of doing anything with anyone I don’t have any feelings for. It’s weird because I’m around a lot of girls who make it goal to have someone to hook up with at the end of a night out and it’s totally meaningless to them. And, that just doesn’t appeal to me. I can barely get myself to make out with a guy because I have absolutely no interest in making out with anyone who I’m not emotionally attached to. I want there to be meaning. So maybe this makes me a prude. But here’s the deal. I don’t care. and I also don’t understand why the word prude has to be used so negatively. 

As far as sex goes, I want to wait until I’m married. Sex is so sacred to me. I truly believe it is a gift for the person you marry. The thought of saving myself for my husband is so beautiful to me and makes me have something to look forward to. I enjoy being pure and chaste because I want to be a Godly woman, and for that reason I need a man of God. I believe that holiness makes someone more attractive (which is another reason I like you, by the way). And I know that I want to be seen as attractive through God’s eyes. It’s not just about thinking guys like virgins these days, I want to do it for God. I believe in everything He says about it. I really do think that it can make a marriage stronger. I want my naked body to belong to the person who falls in love with my naked soul. (Charlie Chaplin) 

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I confuse myself and I read these books about cancer patients having sex, so then I’m like “wtf forget this, i might die any day! I don’t wanna die a virgin, so I should just go have sex with someone.” But, no. It’s just a book. Maybe I should stop reading books like that but I’m not going to because I like reading books like that, haha. 

Anyway, being with you scares me because I’ve never been in a relationship. And I have a feeling that I’m gonna be tempted to do a lot of things if this relationship progresses. That scares me, because I know what page I’m on about this type of stuff, but I don’t know if you’re on the same page. So please let me know now, because I don’t want anyone getting hurt. 

 

Thanks for reading. 

Tsoler 

The Difference Between You and I

I’m intimidated by you. The way you speak about religion seems much more glorious than how I choose to believe in it. and you say you would sob in a Catholic Mass but you would only sob out of pure boredom. (There’s no loud music with loud singing) 

You have these really amazing roommates and friends that all seem perfect and holy. Well, this past year I became friends with all sorts of people, including sluts and bitchy people. But I’m friends with those people because they have kind hearts. That’s what I look for in people – kind hearts. Religion doesn’t really tie my friends and I together. 

And another thing – I’ve never had a boyfriend. I know you’ve been committed before, but I haven’t. I used to think there was a reason all my friends had boyfriends and I didn’t. Maybe God just doesn’t want me to have one. All I know is that I want to stay a virgin, and God knows that too. It’s something sacred to me, and I want to give it away to the person I am so ridiculously and passionately in love with. So I know that if have a boyfriend, I’ll probably be tempted to have sex. Anyway, you scare me and I probably just scared you a little bit too. 

I feel like you would want to be with somebody who goes to the same church as you. But what if I can’t be that person? What if I want somebody who I can take to Mass with me? I honestly don’t even know who I am or what I want and I plan on spending the rest of my life trying to figure that out. Maybe the way you love God will grow on me and maybe it won’t. But for now all I really know is that there must be a reason God put us together and allowed us to continue hanging out. 

Your Trojan’s in my Head

I can’t avoid this any longer. It’s taking over my mind. Just like Kate Nash would say “analytical thoughts make me insane.” I’m just being a typical girl but I NEED to write about this and let it go, already. ugh. 

I have a crush. Although it sounds incredibly silly and 8th-grader-ish, I do not care. Because seriously, I haven’t actually actually liked a guy in a long time. I did my normal girl routine of deeply stalking him already and all that nonsense. After just one night of working together, I suddenly have a thing for him. I haven’t even seen him since. Why is this taking over my head? He’s good looking, sure. Normally I can get over good-looking fellas; I just acknowledge that they’re attractive and then proceed without making a big deal out of it. But this guy… I think what it is is that we just kinda..clicked? We seem very similar. Is it too soon to know that? I don’t know. I don’t care about the things I don’t know anymore. I want to be bold and independent with whatever decision I make to try to get to know him better. Aaaand I decide – 

I’ll casually ask him out for some coffee. I know he drinks coffee (sorry, that’s creepy). But anyway, even if he doesn’t drink coffee, he can order a tea or a smoothie. Whatever. Coffee is casual, and I think I want him to know that I like him. I am tired of being 8th-graderish, ya know? I’ll handle this like the bold young woman that I am – I will tell him that I like him. I have no doubt that I’ll turn all red and giggly about it, but that’s just who I am. That’s my personality. And I think it shows that I actually do like him. 

Why is it sooo hard to like someone? I think I just fear the person not liking me back. Then, when I get all hypothetical and think “what if he doesn’t like me?” I flip out. Then, I start to act like someone I’m not, just to get them to like me…when I don’t even know if they like me in the first place! 

When will my little girlness end? 

Don’t know, don’t care? 

I think I have all the rest of my life to mature, anyway :p 

Thanks for reading, 

Tsoler 

 

Why Women Read

Originally posted on The Bookshelf of Emily J.:

The subtitle of this post is “In the Nineteenth Century.” During that time, there were, apparently, many types of readers and stereotypes about women who read. Today, I’ll share eight of those types of female readers with you from Patricia Okker’s book Our Sister Editors: Sarah J. Hale and the Tradition of Nineteenth-Century American Women Editors (1995).  Okker’s book has a section devoted to the rise of literacy among women of the nineteenth century. It reminded me of a beautiful book of postcards called The Reading Woman that my good friend Amy gave me for Christmas. The images on the postcards are historical images of women as readers as painted by some of the masters.

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In Okker’s study of women editors, she noted that “the woman reader was not seen as particularly beneficial to society, but she also posed no social threats” (p. 113). Here are eight of the ways…

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A Million Little Pieces

I have finally finished this stunning book. Whether it is a true story or not, it’ll stay with me forever. Honestly, it was exhausting to read. It was too emotional. And all those emotions were incredibly repetitive throughout the entire book. But, I guess, considering the situation, how can a novel like this not be emotional? I salute James Frey, because even if he did lie about actually having experienced what he wrote, he still came up with a beautiful story. Although he broke the rules and lied about it being a true story, I think that is what creativity is all about – inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun.

A Million Little Pieces

I have too many favorite parts in this book that I would absolutely love to share with all of my readers. and hopefully, get you to read the book as well! One of my favorite parts is when James is talking about how lonely he is. His description is powerful and touching.

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 I agree James, being alone is awful. 

But, let’s not forget about my very favorite moment. James has a forbidden romance with a character in the novel – Lily. Something about the way they are with each other is so tender and sentimental.

photo^^ Yeah, I know. It’s beautiful.

Anyway, I hope you fellow bloggers/readers give this book a chance.

Thanks for reading,

Tsoler

The calm.

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Originally posted on infinite satori:

Press play first.

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As I am writing this bit I am twisted into my blanket on my bed, in my room, in our communal home, in San Diego, in California, in the United States, in North America, in planet Earth, in the solar system, in Milky Way Galaxy, floating along with other billions of galaxies, in a vast expanding universe, in infinity and all the things we will never know.

I currently have five blog posts waiting to be finished, this being one of them. I’ve written and re-written this in spurts, in different times, different days, different places. So I’m just going to let the rest spill and talk to you. Human to human.

I’ve honestly felt out of place this year. Ever since I stepped off the plane and back into familiarity, that’s what I’ve felt like. Kind of like a fish out of water. But then again…

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Summa Time

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I went to Stone Mountain this week with my closest guy friends. I went to high school with these guys and to be honest, we weren’t even that close throughout the years. It’s quite funny how friendships can develop even after graduation when we are all separated. Anyway, I obviously had a wonderful time. Hence, my ridiculous laughing in this picture. It was probably one the best days I have had this summer. That might sound sad, but it’s true especially because my summer has been filled with taking classes and work work work. Anyway, it was a great time hiking Stone Mountain mainly because we were all struggling together, which made the experience funnier. But, when we finally got to the top, the view was so worth the struggle. The conversation was great too. We talked about doing a backpacking trip a couple years from now. It got me way too excited. I can’t think of any other guys I would rather go exploring the world with. It’s pretty amazing having friends with similar interests and aspirations. I really do hope the three of us stay friends forever.

Thanks for reading,

Tsoler

I just bought tickets to my first concert!

I am excited to say I am going to my first concert on September 28th! And it is one of my favorite bands of all time. My brother just bought me two tickets as a birthday present. I want to start experiencing all that life has to offer, and I think this is a decent start, although many people are way ahead of me. It’s not a race though, is it? No. So here I am. Going to my first concert! Happy birthday to me! :)