an angry post

let’s say you decided you wanted to walk back into my life: 

you’re kidding right? Why would I want anything to do with you? How do you not realize that I can’t trust you again, maybe I couldn’t trust you to begin with but I wasn’t aware of it. You walked right into my life and walked all over my life until I was just about ready to consume every bit of you. and then you walked right back out. I don’t know what was going through your mind, but you don’t get to just enter and exit whenever you want…or at least without a fair warning. I do realize that you’re probably just another stupid boy, who doesn’t realize that this thing the entire male population does really can affect a girl. Remember when I told you you’re all that I think about? Do you seriously think has changed the slightest bit? It hasn’t and yet it has. The thoughts I had when you were in my life were happier than ever, yet now I cannot think of the time I was as sad as this. Sad because you leave me no hope for meeting a  guy that will be a man and actually pursue me. 

You told me you were the one with trust problems. 

You told me you wanted to pursue me and make me your girlfriend. 

You told me you’ve never felt this way about a person before. 

You left. 

Where was in this entire thing? 

Gosh, I can’t imagine ever being able to trust you again. I hope you do come back and explain yourself. I like you so much that I am praying you give me a valid explanation for your disappearance. I pray for you, I pray with you. 

Anyway, for now, I embrace my solitude by living my life through Christ — it always goes back to main man Jesus :) 

NOTE TO ALL READERS: it’s okay to be alone. In fact, loneliness is quite lovely. Learn to be comfortable by yourself. Only then will you learn you were never alone to begin with… 

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I am hungry to taste life and desire truth.

“I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” – John 14:6

 

I am instilled with a strange type of happiness today. I think it is the happiness that I find through Christ revealing His gift of beauty to us. The weather here in Athens has been beautifully hot this past week. I have been listening to the same songs over and over. The songs that are beautifully sad. I spend more time outside – walking to class rather than taking a bus. I think I am going to buy a bike to get around campus. Here I am – finally seeing things I have been looking at for so long. My eyes are opened to God’s beauty.

Let’s be real – we all long for something infinite. We all long for delight. To be enriched. When we receive our Christmas presents, a month later they get old and we want something else. When will we find something that will infinitely satisfy us? I desire truth. There is no material good that is capable of doing so – whether it is a new pair of shoes you just got or an ipad or a new car. It all gets old. But, does a sunrise/sunset ever bore you? No, it’s always beautiful. When do you ever not find solace in nature? It’s my place to be to find peace, that’s for sure. Do your favorite songs ever cease to make you feel good? I listen to my favorite songs at LEAST once everyday. Because to me, these things are beautiful – and it’s God’s beauty. In beauty we find truth. In this beauty we find comfort. Beauty was in the mind of God before it was ever exposed to us. In His beauty, we find infinity. God is infinite. He is not limited by time. He has no beginning or end. He brings delight. He enriches us. He is the truth – the truth we are all longing for, all searching for. 

Thanks for reading, 

a frenzied soul 

Sunday Eve.

God is calling me, ya’ll. I don’t know how to express it. I am being called to actively follow God. While I am focused on my studies, my main and ultimate focus will be Jesus. I wake up with him, I spend my day with him, and I fall asleep thinking of HIM. I am being called to do missionary work. I want to serve others, I want to serve the Lord. I sacrifice my whole self to Him. every bit and piece of me. I am falling at my knees declaring myself a slave for the Lord. The One who knows love more than any other person. The most human human-being there ever was. I want to let go of all these other idols – trying to chase romance, trying to appear more attractive, trying hard to fit in. God is not calling me to fit in. I am being called to stand out.  I want to witness the Lord in other people. Archbishop Gregory’s homily really did inspire me today – I am in college attempting to discover who I am. But, that’s not the way to do it. I need to find out who Jesus is first, in order to find out my own identity. How can I find out who I am without knowing the one who knows me more than I know myself? 

hallelujah, wow. that changes everything. huh. all this time i thought i knew who i was. but, turns out – i don’t. and it’s okay. The Lord is within me. I will find confidence in Him. I will lose sight of myself to gain complete sight of Him. 

let a new week commence with God by my side, once again.

thanks for reading,

a frenzied soul 

p.s. I love this song 

 

so many feelings tonight.

Us girls make big deals out of everything, I guess it’s true in a way. We get screwed over by guys all the time, which leaves us emotionally unstable and leaves the guy…well, nothing. Guys never care. What is with this strange emotional difference between males and females? Why have I not met a single guy who would react the same way as a girl in the middle of a ripping out of the heart? Why do the same things happen over and over again? and then why do we allow it to happen to us again after it happens once? 

Maybe I can answer this question for myself. I treat pain like a drug, like a narcotic. Perhaps I enjoy the pain. And when I feel it, boy do I sure love biting at my nails and cracking my knuckles and all the other symptoms of pain and anxiety. I am constantly an emotional whirlpool. Why am i surprised that this one boy escaped from me? I am a mess. I am a walking masterpiece by Jackson Pollock – a random assortment of colors and paints and pastels. and when you look at me, I am hard to read – just as his paintings are hard to decipher. What was Pollock thinking when he was just splattering paint on a canvas?! Was it random? What was he feeling? I imagine he was so incredibly ruined inside. But, maybe I am completely wrong. What if that was his way of expressing his happiness? If there is anything I am so passionately curious about it is definitely about the type of man that Jackson Pollock was. Was he just another damaged artist? – revealing himself through his artwork? But, then again, don’t all humans do that? literal artists or not. We are all artists in our own ways. 

We reveal ourselves through different methods. okay, whatever. i am getting carried away, honestly. I have decided this: 

I will allow myself to feel however I want to feel. If i miss him, then I am going to miss him. I won’t let anybody tell me that “I am better off without him” – Ugh, just stop. I am just fine without him, I am aware of that. But like Pollock or any other damaged artist, I am human. I have feelings of loneliness. I cared about him – the one person I thought would be my person, my special person. ya know – my guy. I wanted to be able to call him my love. I want to be able to hear his voice calling my name, and get butterflies at the sound of my name coming out of his mouth. God knows I am human; he knows we are all human. When we feel lonely, he feels, as well. He is the most human of them all. (thank you John Eldredge) 

He is the most human human-being there ever was. Lord, I know you created these feelings, so in a way, they must mean something good, because you are only good. and you create only good things. You created friendship and relationship – things all us humans long for. If these feelings were created by You, then perhaps they must be felt. Perhaps pain demands to be felt (thank you, John Green). Sorry, I obviously read a lot. You bloggers should know by now. But yes, pain demands to be felt. But can we not say the same thing about happiness? I may demand to be happy, but I may not be able to be happy. Happiness must demand me to be happy. So, Jesus Christ, thank you for being the Man in my life because you are the true and ultimate source of happiness, once again! You are the Son of Man. The most human human-being. So, help me out, Lord. Help me to stop searching for someone to love. Allow me to fall in love with myself, instead. 

and here’s another thing – I am forever so grateful that you created the brilliance that is Jackson Pollock, and of course, a trillion other artists. They are the ones that we can feel with. If ever I am feeling sad, mad, lonely, tired, happy, etc – while I will always turn to you, you have provided for us humans these amazing set of artists who create masterpieces of all sorts. These other people we can turn to. 

Wow, Christ, you are truly a Savior. 

Thanks for reading,

a frenzied soul 

Fear, Go AWAY.

I have this fear – a fear that this thing I am currently experiencing is only just a phase when I don’t want it to be a phase. This thing in which I wake up in the mornings and crave Jesus, so I open up a Bible. This thing in which I feel His presence all around me all the time. I am feeling protected and a burden is suddenly lifted from my shoulders. Oh my Lord, please do not let this be a phase. On this Feast of the Assumption, allow me to be like Mother Mary every day of my life – faithful. I want to continue seeking You and be happy when I realize again and again that You are within me – always. What do I even need to fear if You are always within me? God You are so so great and all good things come from You. Help me fear no more, for You plan only good things…so why should I fear for my life in which You, Lord, have planned? 

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I hunger to taste life

I feel a sudden ease today. Just read a lot of Ann Voskamp and basically spent the majority of the day with my lovely best friend/soulmate reading a ton of Scripture at Two Story Coffeehouse. We made a new discovery together – we both are in love with Jesus Christ. Why did it take us so long to realize? We felt comfortable around each other doing everything else, but why did we avoid talking about our faith? We both crave living full lives, we both crave salvation and eternal life. She went back to Atlanta and I felt sad, but I felt more happy because I knew our friendship was stronger than ever – so who even cares about distance when Christ is the center of your friendship!? That’s what makes friendship/relationships so strong. 

Before she left, we talked a lot about how hectic the school year is about to be. But, we prayed with each other through reading the Bible. Everything will be okay. And, Ann Voskamp helps a lot. Being thankful gives you time to live in the present. Allow yourself to stop and be thankful for something happening now. Then, you will be rewarded with plenty of time in the midst of your no-time-left basket. We plan on experiencing Grace Midtown together when I make trips back to Atlanta every other weekend now and then. As for me here in Athens, I’m gonna check out Grace Athens for sure! Hopefully, meeting people along the way. I am so excited for everything. for life. I hunger to taste life. God. 

For all the troubled people, here is something to feed your soul with – God has everything under control. Be patient. Joy is always worth the wait. 

thanks for reading, 

a not-so-frenzied-soul-today :) 

 

sleeping alone, but He makes me feel at home.

I am all moved in to my new apartment here in Athens. Not all my roommates are moved in yet, so I’ve been feeling pretty lonely. I think even when they are here, I’ll feel lonely anyway. Why do I feel so alone all the time? because I know I’m not. God will always be with me here. here with me as I study, here as I sleep, and as I type about Him right now.

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I went to mass today at a new church I had never been to before – St. Joseph’s. It was quite lovely! I love waking up and starting my day with Jesus – seriously. It’s a feeling of huge accomplishment. It’s not accomplishment because I got up early and made an effort, but more because I have made it a goal for myself to fall more in love with Jesus, and I know that shouldn’t take effort, but I feel like I need a community. So, therefore, I am exploring several churches of Athens this year – even non-Catholic ones. I want to meet people more like me, more open to talking about the Lord Our Savior. He can seriously be a true source of happiness for any lost souls out there. Speaking of happiness, I have read a couple chapters of Ann Voskamp’s “A Thousand Gifts”, and she is quite brilliant. 

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There I am in my new bed reading Ann’s brilliant words. ^

She talks about how happiness can be found through gratitude and thanksgiving. Be thankful for all that you have – that’s the main thing I have learned so far. She has begun to create a list of a thousand gifts. Hence, the title of the book. It’s really beautiful. This book is digging deep into my soul. Opening my eyes to things I took for granted. Realizing all the things in front of me are all the things I’ll ever need, and actually MORE than I need. So, I thank you, God, so so much. You are the true source of my happiness. I only pray that I can get rid of the desires I have for unnecessary things – perhaps things that would make me appear more attractive or whatever. I want to completely lose myself in Jesus Christ. I really hope I am on the right track. 

 

So, after church today, I decorated my bedroom a little bit more. My friend helped me put together a bookcase, which is looking quite lovely. I am slowly feeling at home. I am also quickly learning to love being alone with the presence of Jesus Christ all around me. He is all I ever need, anyway. 

Here is another glimpse of my abode: 

 

 

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Thanks for reading bloggers, 

a frenzied soul 

Here I Gooooooo

Tomorrow, I depart the righteous city of Atlanta and make my way to the eclectic Athens, GA! I am about to embark on a journey called sophomore year of college. My summer was not too eventful, interestingly enough…I guess, except for the last 3-4 weeks of it. Because of the past 4 weeks, I feel like my second year of college is going to be tremendously different in the most beautiful way. I am ready to get out there and meet more people like myself. It is something I need, and God knows my heart desires meeting people I can truly connect with. So, I really believe the Lord will make it happen. 

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I just…I don’t know…I feel so confident going into the year! I feel so full of love and strength (all from God, of course). And now, I am a little nervous. Because I know that along with every other college student, I am going to have stressful times and so many things won’t work out the way I want them to. Note to self: God’s plan is much bigger and better than mine/ my life has purpose/ I am on a journey that will never end, and I. absolutely. love. it. 

Let sophomore year commence! 

thanks for reading, 

a frenzied soul